h66ad

week 5

2012-01-30T21:17:00.000+08:00

today is the start of week 5. i gotta sew 3 pieces of garments by thursday, and other deadline of progressive submission by week 7.

not too stressed, but kinda not motivated at all.
omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg mg.

my grades and attendence improved tremendously for the previous semester, and shall not give up.

last semester to go. go gO GO!!!

28/1/12

2012-01-30T01:06:00.001+08:00

i fell at work, broke alot of dishes and glasses. got some bruise on me. very nice.

heartaches

2012-01-19T00:10:00.000+08:00

starting to grow tired..

..of missing you.

p/s.: baby, i still love you, like i always do.

sorry baby, i know you'll feel very sad when you see this.. and i know you got no choice.. i know and understand.. that's why i never blame you.. it's just me.. i'm always missing you.. hoping that you'll be with me soon.. i never wanna walk away.. just wanna tell someone about how i feel inside, but i'm really lonely.. so this is the only place for me.. dont stressed yourself because of me.. because like what you always tell me.. we'll meet again one day..
i love you.

I

2012-01-06T12:16:00.000+08:00

some people loved to be surrounded by lotsa and lotsa of friends all the time;

some people loved to be alone all the time.

I, dont really enjoyed being in big group of people whom others might think we're "friends". in fact, they know nuts about me and i couldnt bothered to care more. if acting as though i'm happy with these acquaintances is necessary, i would rather spend time alone.

i know this post is random, just wanna put some thoughts here before going off to school. and today will be a long day because i'll be working after school. till then..

...

waiting for you, my silly baby..

untitled

2012-01-03T21:38:00.000+08:00

today is the first day of school.. like what's mentioned in the previous post, nothing excites me right now. school? boring.

since the previous post, there're some changes in my life. the person who tried to give trouble to me during work is kinda condemned right now. like i said, she dont have to think of any promotion as long as she's in this company. and i've changed my location as well - to prevent unneccessary unhappiness again in future. well, to think of a friend's reply when i told him that i've got into trouble with that colleague..
'you always got problem with your colleague.'
...
i dont usually give trouble to others unless that person is being too unreasonable or over-testing my patience. it's sad to hear you said that. but it doesnt matter anyway for now.

like i mentioned earlier about school, it'll be hectic - very. hope everything will be smooth-sailing.

...

baby, i miss you alot.

aimless; lifeless.

2011-12-24T02:25:00.000+08:00

of course partly because of baby's absence, but mainly because there's nothing for me to aim for. like example, if i'm allowed to go overseas with my friends, at least i'll be aiming to earn and save enough money. i'm so restricted to the extend that sometimes i just feel like going to get myself another passport and get myself outta this place - for long. mom always says that if i have all the freedom, it means that i'm no longer a person related to her. what kinda logic is this? during school days, i'll just be studying in school, go home to do assignments, worried about money and stuffs. at work, i'll have to face all sorta customers and deal with brainless colleagues. it's always the same routine, facing almost the same people. i find life kinda meaningless.. nothing to look forward to, anymore. and lately, my appetite became smaller than before. food dont taste as good anymore too. i get bored with games very fast, unlike last time when i'll be really glued to the computer.

what's happening?

last warning

2011-12-22T10:46:00.000+08:00

i can definitely work 13-hours straight, if you want. but can you me finding fault with you 13-hours straight? but too bad, it's all too late to regret now. which i bet you dont anyway, because you're already testing my patience since the beginning. and right now, i'm sick of this. so dont blame me for being so cruel to you. DONT EVER DREAM OF CONFIRMING YOUR POSITION - EVER.

hi baby,

2011-12-14T20:49:00.001+08:00

i've been missing you so hard, so much. still gotta wait for so long before i see you again?
)))))))))):

true story

2011-12-07T00:23:00.000+08:00

now i've heard it.

should i continue to stand by the truth and be firm with where i stand? or should i just give in because of this?

to mom,

2011-12-06T00:18:00.000+08:00

thanks for telling me that i've been lying to you since young, and is very happy and proud of it.

thanks for letting me know that it's useless to be truthful - because at the end of the day you will never believe. so please dont f*cking lie to me that you'll believe and trust me if i try hard enough to convince you - one f*cking day.

you'll never be my sanctuary, ever.

to mom,

2011-12-04T23:02:00.001+08:00

you always taught me that,
"you're only good when others praise you, rather than your ownself.".
but tonight, you contradicted to what you taught with phrase like,
"i dont bias against your brother."
and all you said to me is about trust and respect within a family.
you said i dont respect any of the members in the family.
you said i'm happy to see you believing my lies.
you said..
you said..
too many things which contradicted with each other sentences.

what do you expect me to do/say when i'm in no position to do anything at all?

about me cont'

2011-11-30T23:00:00.000+08:00

"you're a girl, so you dislike yourself?"

yea, what's wrong with disliking myself? haha i dont deny. hmm i dont dislike myself because i'm fat, i've got skin problems and all other physical imperfections. it's too complicated to understand myself.
example: sometimes i just wanna talk things out in a relax-manner, but at times, the situation ended up in a way i would totally tried to avoid - awkward/tensed. then i'll ask myself why did i allowed things to end up this way, and stuffs like that. hmm stranger, i dont really know how to put this in words. or can i say that, i'm unintentionally causing situation to happen which is not my intention?

on the other hand, i'm disliking girls but definitely not all. i cant stand girls who are bimbotic, girly..etc. although it's clearly understood that not all are perfect, but, these girls are those i'll tried to avoid.

i'm not perfect, so are others. of course i wont criticise their imperfection(s) for my own pleasure, but of course i'll avoid them to minimise my unhappiness, and just in case they got pissed because of me.

this is me, stranger.

about me

2011-11-30T00:03:00.001+08:00

alright, i know it's really random and nobody ask me about this.. but i'm just feeling really bored and lonely, so apart from watching movies, playing computer games, eating and sleeping, just feel like pen-ing down some random facts about me.. just in case a violent death happened to me.. haha!

1. i love vegetables except those sticky and slimy kind - eg. lady's finger.

2. i NEVER play any of the rides in a theme-park before;

3. my favourite poultry to be consumed is mutton;

4. i still remember all my best friends - ang yan ling, tan pey teng, tan ming xiang, joanna ang, felicia tan, denise toh.

5. i ~~hate~~ dislike girls;

6. most of my friends are guys - because most girls cant accept and stand the way i do things and talk.

7. alot of acquaintances dislike/hate me, and i know it;

8. i'm a perfectionist, yet too lazy to keep up with it;

9. my heart always asks me to trust people, but my mind told me not to;

10. i'm very hot-tempered, yet able to control it most of the time;

11. i'm very soft-hearted, but i've got a stronger mind;

12. i understand that human is very judgemental, and that's the reason why my intentions are always misunderstood;

13. i love joanna ang among all the best friends the most because she never fails me;

14. i love to gamble, but i'm able to control myself;

15. i most HATE people to threaten and doubt me;

16. i kinda dislike asians because most of them tend to be unable to accept criticism and opinions;

17. i dislike my skin problem - eczema;

18. i got funny toes(ask and thou shall see);

19. i'm born to be rebellious;

20. at this age, i'm still very doubtful about my future.

i shall continue with this some other time.. and the above are some facts about me which i believe that almost all my acquaintances dont know, not even my friends. till then..

very much appreciated

2011-11-29T14:28:00.000+08:00

thanks for treating me so much like a classmate. to say that i'm not affected, it's a lie. but still, i think it's better this way - no strings attached.

hey classmate

2011-11-28T18:03:00.000+08:00

it started off with me being super responsible and hardworking whereas the rest of you guys are just chilling around. so at the end of the day, dont act like as though i'm the one who pulls down the overall marks when each of us got a D for individual part except for him, who got an E. you're the one who's writing report, which includes compiling report. if you wanna put the blame of getting bad grades on me, please look at the work you guys did again. i'm very slow in my work, yes i dont deny. my written English is not as bad as yours although i have limited vocabulary and bad grammar. so if the standard of compiling report is like that, then seriously, think about it. you're not the only one who's disappointed, i dont really feel it because everytime i look through our work, it's like doing for the sake of doing.
and although you think my English is lousy and i shouldnt be getting better grades than you, but sometimes when i see the quality of work and the way you handle things, i feel that i can do better. seriously, i dislike the way you doubt my ability. so what if i voiced out, it's not as though i didnt, it's you who couldnt accept it. everyone is stressed, and i understand that different people do react differently under stress. but why should i be ignored by you or receiving your f*ck-face when i'm also having stress?

if any time you happened to read this post, do not be too affected by it and take it personally. because afterall we'll be going separate ways, and might not even be crossing path in future. you can think it's just my assumption, but that's what i thought deep down.

isnt it stupid if we fight over this?

isnt working things out together 'happily' and leave the school our ultimate goal?

isnt us just classmate?

wait

2011-11-27T23:40:00.000+08:00

and that's all i can do - period.

every thought of this, tears would fill up in my eyes. every wait is longer than previous, and yet our love is the only thing i dont wanna let go.. and so, all i can do is to wait.

love always,
all ways.

the three days

2011-11-26T23:12:00.000+08:00

it's so funny when you reached for the coffee instead of me when we first met after 3-months. though i was a little disappointed, but still managed to joke about this and laughed at it. i was kinda shy after so long, but got used to your face, your voice, your smell, and your everything fast. we swam together for the first time after being together for nearly 3-years, and i finally laughed real hard ever since you're gone.. and now, i'm alone again.
dear baby, i dont blame you for being away. just want you to know, as well as to remind me how much you meant to me; how can i laugh when i'm with you; how secured i am when you're with me; how much happiness.. and all the stuffs.

love always,
all ways.

...

26th nov 11' is Y's birthday, and is the day when LATEPIG proposed to her. if i were there, i might be so touched and moved to tears. seriously happy for you guys.

T.T

2011-11-25T00:54:00.000+08:00

miss you very much, baby. everytime when the idea of not being able to do everything with you around came to my mind, my heart constricts. love you so much yet have to see you go. dont know what to say.. goodnight my love.

good or bad omen?

2011-11-24T18:47:00.000+08:00

last night, i dozed off while watching a show with baby.. i woke up crying in the end, because i dreamt of myself being dead.

cant really recall what the scenario is about, except that the place is kinda like a deserted building where are violent bad guys and good guys including me. main point of the dream is when i was caught and shot 2 times at my torso, in the dream, i knew i was going to die and so, i chant a little before my last breath is out. i stood up and found myself looking back at my lifeless body.. and started going around leaving my last words particularly to each person in the building, starting from my dad, mom, uncle and some unknown then lastly is baby. as i was about to talk to baby, i woke up from some sound.

started off with me saying that i dreamt of myself being dead and feel so sad right now. AND BABY COULDNT REALLY CATCH WHAT WAS I MUMBLING, AND SO, HE IGNORED ME! haha then i started crying like a child, and i'm very thankful for baby's presence which calms me down right away.

anyway, baby is on the way back home again.. the next time i see him, will be around 8-months later. )""":

it sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing

2011-11-16T07:51:00.000+08:00

i dont know if anyone read any post regarding to my title of today.. but anyway, to sum it up, i discovered since years ago that if someone upset/pissed me off really very badly, something unfortunate would happened. hmm you can think that all this co-incidence.. but as i'm feeling really depressed about my family members, THEY ARE ALL SICK. to me, it's never a co-incidence because i've seen things happening to those. well, i did mentioned this to mom before.. guess what? she says that she also got the same ability. o.0

bottom-line: it's not up to me to choose whether you'll suffer or not, but it's up to you choose whether you wanna go against me or not. of course i dont wish anything to happen to anyone, but it's best if you dont try to incur my wrath. TYVM.

6 more days

2011-11-15T00:31:00.002+08:00

to assessment. and after that, i'll be free for around a month. how great.

...

as much as i hate today's date because it reminds me of someone, i still wanna say.. GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY, YOU LOSER.

if i am a hulk

2011-11-10T17:53:00.000+08:00

great, keep it coming. simply taking things for granted right?

I WILL MAKE YOU 2 REGRET. blame it on yourself.

THEN WHY STILL BOTHER TO ASK?

2011-11-10T15:49:00.000+08:00

'do you mind if i send the report with your previous work inside today?'

'i wont mind if you also wont mind that the information inside the report is not the same as the information inside the powerpoint.'

'no choice already.'

WHY SO KIASI?

12 more days

2011-11-10T00:41:00.000+08:00

happy 2 years 10 months anniversary <3.

...

thanks jiahui <3.

)':

2011-11-07T19:18:00.000+08:00

what do you want? i've been staying in my room for the whole f*cking day, and after the drama in the afternoon, you expressed your unhappiness by throwing the unwashed dishes around. what do you want from me seriously? do you dislike me so much? this is a question i always ask myself since i was like.. 10? do you really dislike me to the extend of not wanting to see me at all? if only that's what you want..

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW??!

2011-11-07T12:18:00.000+08:00

CANT EVEN F*CKIN HAVE A PROPER MEAL.

~~F*CK YOU SERIOUSLY.~~
~~F*CK YOU MOM.~~

sorry baby, sorry everyone. i dont know how to put all this to words.. but to simplify everything, i think i got some kinda mental breakdown, some kinda depression. i dont feel as happy anymore(i cant smile), i feel like crying all the time(and i can cry all the time), i dont feel like eating(if it's not for my gastric), i dont feel like going out at all(especially with mom), i dont feel like talking to anyone(seriously), suicidal thoughts are being more frequent. i wanna see a doctor, i dont wanna tell my mom and brother about this at all. i dont wanna stay in this f*ckin house anymore.. i..i...
sorry baby.. it's not that i dont wanna tell you.. is that you cant hear me if i started crying right? dont have to worry.. i wont do anything stupid because it's only 2 more weeks away to see you again.. by then, i'll tell you everything alright?
for the time being, i'll just try to save myself from hell.

i need you so badly, but i know i still have to wait..

2011-11-06T21:57:00.000+08:00

iamgoingcrazysoon.dontknowhowlongmoreicanendure.what'shappening?

God in dream

2011-11-05T20:34:00.000+08:00

last night, i got a bad dream..

it was supposed to be a prank-show, but i got scared to tears when O tried to shove a cucumber through my ass-crack because i can really feel the tingling sensation..
but anyway, i woke up suddenly, feeling.. suffocated? hmm. not really, it's more like a feeling which I KNOW that there's a lacked of oxygen in my brain. at the same time, i was so scared, so scared to die(suicidal thoughts have been lingering in my brain recently). i feel so scared to die in my dream, not yet telling everyone that who my boyfriend is, and not telling him that how much i love him. therefore, i wanted to live..
i tried breathing in and out steadily, forcing myself to be awake because if i dont, i'll be falling into that dream again, and might not wake up again(that's what i thought)..
i think i spent at least 15-minutes to breathe properly, and finally feeling kinda awake. i recorded all the thoughts right away because i'm afraid of really dying of regrets.

friends who know me should know that i'm not somehow who's very religious, yet i respect all Gods above, AND BELOW. somehow, whichever God i'm destined to meet in near future is trying to tell me something or trying to wake me up from the suicidal thoughts which bothers me lately. now i know that it's not my time to die yet, and i clearly know that i dont wanna die so soon too.
thanks for the wake-up call, my God. although i dont know who you are and who you'll be..but You know, and soon we'll meet.

2011-11-03T22:40:00.000+08:00

you realised the change in me, dont you? yet you chose to ignore it, and put your ego prior to me. whether i'm around and alive doesnt matters to you, right? what's important to you is them. i hope you're right. just always remember what i told you years ago,

"never ever let me fly, because if i did, i'll never return."

i hope this sentence is forever in you - which i doubt so, because i'm so unimportant to you, to the extend of not remembering my words.

is it you who're torturing me mentally, or is it myself who take things too hard?

demoralised

2011-10-31T22:48:00.000+08:00

normally this lecturer would just kinda ignore us while having group discussion, and only focus on C. but today, he went to the extreme of telling C to talk outside class infront of us(which i thought they would be talking about something personal), and proceeded to talk about OUR GROUP WORK. like hello? arent we a group? i mean i'm not blaming C because she feels awkward all the time also, but this lecturer seriously.. sigh. does he meant that if we dont have the potential in the industry, we dont have the say and the rights to talk to him? oh c'mon, if this is the society that we're gonna be in in future, LET ME FUCKIN' TELL YOU.. YOU ARE SERIOUSLY NOT PROFESSIONAL ENOUGH.

please f*ck off.

(: / ):

2011-10-30T13:52:00.002+08:00

happy because i'll be seeing and spending time with baby in less than one month's time.

sad is because mom is sick.
get well soon.

solution

2011-10-25T00:59:00.000+08:00

i hoped to come up with a best one to minimise the loss.

hang on, baby. i love you.

hello baby,

2011-10-22T20:53:00.002+08:00

where do you wanna go or where should i bring you to when you're back?

<3

it's been days..

2011-10-16T22:19:00.000+08:00

since i last see you.

missyousomuch.

if missing you means dropping a tear,

2011-10-16T00:24:00.000+08:00

i'll cry you an ocean.

where are you baby?

jiayou baby..

2011-10-15T02:07:00.000+08:00

from today onwards, it's gonna be tough, and i mean really tiring - for me and for you.

jiayou baby, jiayou to me too.

we'll see each other soon. miss you so much.

to that person who ransacked MY things in studio

2011-10-13T02:30:00.000+08:00

GO F*CK YOURSELF.

i'll never be good enough

2011-10-13T01:15:00.002+08:00

as your daughter. cant you see? it's a cycle between grandma and you.

happy girl

2011-10-10T23:56:00.000+08:00

because i'll be seeing baby soon again during my holidays!! woohoo~!! yea yea~!!
which means that after the assessment ended, i'll have to work alot so that i can bring baby around when he's flying back FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEE. <3

see you soon my love.

to mom,

2011-10-09T14:09:00.000+08:00

it's not like i've never appreciate you, but it's all about mutual respect.

to take care of you when you're old is my duty, but that doesnt mean that you can vent all your frustrations on me.

bottom-line: i'm also a human, there's a limit; i'm your dear f*ckin' daughter.

to love

2011-10-09T00:04:00.000+08:00

long distance relationship is never easy. is either we brave through it together, or ended up with a broken heart.

wtf

2011-10-06T23:32:00.000+08:00

reached home today after a tiring day in school, scolded by mom for not having dinner before home. told her i'll be cooking maggie mee - scolded again(out of concern - i hoped so).

bottom-line: skipped dinner.

mom, seriously if you came across my blog one day, i would like to tell you something..
I AM F*CKING TIRED OF BEING IN THIS HOME, ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.
but i dont hate you though, afterall, you gave me education, money, essentials.

家乡

2011-10-05T23:32:00.002+08:00

jiayou, my baby.
for your future; for our future.
ilu.
always, all ways.

love-sick

2011-10-03T00:47:00.003+08:00

yes i am. missing you, like forever.

sorry baby, i dont know exactly why, but i'm crying now.
maybe it's because i couldnt really talk to you just now.

sick and tired

2011-09-29T01:29:00.000+08:00

i've caught flu again! perhaps due to burning of the midnight oil.. ): workload getting heavier and heavier, so there's no choice actually. lecturers are not easy because they're always contradicting themselves, and we students are also in a difficult position because we'll have to handle their contradictions. we're like pigs in the slaughter-factory, awaiting to be slaughtered by all the arrows shot by lecturers. but who's benefiting? at the end of the day, we walked out of school with thick armor.

...

goodnight my dearest. missing you. and loving you.

been away for too long

2011-09-27T02:14:00.000+08:00

hey guys, i've been kinda busy with school, which explains the absence of my writings here.

well, tutorial week(one week 'holiday') is over. i spent 4 days working, and 2 days back in school. and now, a new term is starting.. all i can say is tiring. time is moving too fast, it's scary!

today we had a meeting with the HOD and DM, regarding the progress of our work and things within the group. so what? nothing's gonna change because we didnt say anything about any of our group members, but i guess the lecturers are not stupid too.

looking forward to the 5th of october and 10th of october. will be having a day out with JH, and celebration for CW's passing out parade. ^^

though i really hoped for baby's presence here. (: but anyway, i'm getting on fine here.. THANKS TO WEBCAM!! hahahahhaahhaa.. alright, gotta go back to work. zzZ

with love,

stay

2011-09-22T23:03:00.002+08:00

because i dont wanna leave.
<3

i'm sorry

2011-09-21T00:18:00.002+08:00

because i feel very insecure here, now.

goodnight.

when

2011-09-20T00:54:00.001+08:00

will i be seeing you again?

miss you so much baby.

1 more hour

2011-09-15T23:10:00.000+08:00

then you'll be away for one month and 6 days.

baby, i'm still missing you as much, perhaps even more.
<3

back to stage one

2011-09-11T23:40:00.001+08:00

i'm falling back to depression.

so happy

2011-09-06T23:36:00.001+08:00

because i finally get to see my baby!

for our future

2011-09-05T23:56:00.001+08:00

we'll be strong together, always together, all ways.

hope everything is fine

2011-09-04T23:59:00.000+08:00

cool down.

i'm sorry for not being able to help in anything, at all.

after twelve midnight,

2011-09-02T22:42:00.000+08:00

you'll be away from me for the third week.. it seems to take a million years..

imu.

dear baby,

2011-09-02T01:39:00.002+08:00

you're the only reason for me to be alive - period.

ilu.

dear mom,

2011-08-31T01:48:00.000+08:00

you said you got married at an early age because you're unhappy with the family because of how your mother(my grandmother) deals with home affairs.

do i have a chance to tell you how unhappy i am in this family because of how you deal with home affairs?

set me free please.. or i'll set myself free one day..

what's happening?

2011-08-29T22:44:00.001+08:00

wished to be by your side 24/7.

missed

2011-08-29T00:14:00.001+08:00

where are you? i'm crying silly here. :'(

gotta cry myself to bed.. sorry..

2 weeks

2011-08-26T22:33:00.002+08:00

happy 2 weeks to be away from me. :):

to my bestfriend

2011-08-23T22:17:00.002+08:00

happy birthday to you!! <3

imu

2011-08-22T22:36:00.002+08:00

i look at our photos everyday, just to remind myself how much i love you.

9th going 10th

2011-08-21T23:34:00.000+08:00

i have my choice to stay or to leave, so you did nothing unfair to me.
i love you.

1 week

2011-08-21T00:41:00.002+08:00

11 more weeks to go - at least.. )':

miss you so badly.

3rd day

2011-08-16T22:55:00.000+08:00

i thought you're already back for at least one week.. )':

5 mins 32 secs

2011-08-15T00:00:00.000+08:00

just a short call from you makes me feel so much better, and you called just because i say i missed you voice.

<3

bon voyage

2011-08-13T16:11:00.002+08:00

to my love.

the last

2011-08-13T02:34:00.001+08:00

i will wait for you,

and i know you will come back for me.

the last 24-hours

2011-08-12T00:08:00.000+08:00

when will be the next time i see you?

:'(

dont get lost..

2011-08-05T00:30:00.000+08:00

for i'm here for you. i know it's easy to say as things are not happening to me, but that's all i could do - support.
love, i cant exchange anything with your pain.. but i will hold your hand and walk with you.

15 days

2011-07-30T01:25:00.000+08:00

glad that you're back, but nothing to be happy about. because soon, you'll be away again - for long.

<3

goodnight

2011-07-24T02:20:00.000+08:00

you're my lover, my best friend, my everything. when you're gone, i feel really empty. to be truthful, i'm trying to be sane. and when i feel like telling you something, i'll come here. you're just back for only days, and i'm already having either sleepless night or crying myself to bed. when you're 'officially' back, it'll be a torture. but i know i'll be fine after some time, and you'll be fine too. at the end of the day, we'll be together again. i love you.

6th day

2011-07-24T00:33:00.000+08:00

we met on monday afternoon, you said it's urgent and you have to leave on tuesday morning. that night, we hugged and cried. tuesday morning, i'm on morning shift, cant send you off at the airport. partly, i'm reluctant to do so because i know i'll cry, and you will feel even sadder. it's been a few days since i last heard your voice, see your face, smell your scent. i miss you in any ways.

from,
love.

:'(

2011-07-23T00:46:00.000+08:00

the previous post regarding the list of things to be done wont happen. sad to say, everything is so sudden. and when will be the next time i'll be seeing my baby?

miss you so much.

things to be done..

2011-06-25T23:43:00.000+08:00

- swimming at swimming-pool;
- whole day fun at beach;
- steamboat;
- durian feast;
- crab feast;
- fish spa;
- 3 days 2 nights out;
- drinking session;
- sunrise..

if there's anymore, i'll fill it in. (:

...

i think my friend is dead, and may god have mercy on her soul.

counting down..

2011-06-24T03:51:00.000+08:00

few more off days.. and few more days.. i will wait for you.

love you always, all ways.

it's been so long..

2011-06-13T01:54:00.000+08:00

i'm back.. again.

well, nothing's new, except that baby and i will be stepping on the next stage of our relationship which is indeed a test for us (not marriage).

no matter what happened in future, baby, please remember and know that i'll always be there for you.
always, all ways.

still alive

2011-06-05T23:59:00.002+08:00

i am.

Zz

2011-05-05T00:28:00.000+08:00

WHY MY FATHER DONT REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY?

22nd

2011-05-02T00:13:00.000+08:00

spent my day with baby. i received lotsa well wishes through messages and facebook.. and to those whom i expected to wish me yet didnt, .. but anyway, had a good day with baby.. (:

...

just my luck to meet a person like you.

f*cked

2011-04-29T07:09:00.000+08:00

i lost myself at 5am, just a day before my birthday.

)':
I HATE SCHOOL, BUT I HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE, FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO PRACTICE SELF-DISCIPLINE AND TIME-MANAGEMENT.
now i dont regret, but only disappointed.
sorry to all those who helped(R, baby).

really touched

2011-04-29T01:44:00.000+08:00

by baby's patience towards me, support, love, care, and concern.

<3

after tomorrow

2011-04-28T08:32:00.001+08:00

i'll be free like a bird.

count down

2011-04-25T02:11:00.001+08:00

can i finish all the sh*t in 3 days?

to baby only

2011-04-24T03:29:00.002+08:00

monday we go eat something nice okay? *thinking..*

)':

2011-04-23T23:00:00.000+08:00

why am i putting in so much effort when my groupmates dont bother? i assumed that they know i'll be slogging my guts out since i wanted it to be like-so-perfect, while they are doing their personal projects. what about mine? i was crying when i told baby just now, and most probably i'll be heeding his advice - so my part only.

is it my problem that whoever group with me will have problems in the project? i guess i must be strong in my stand if i want good grades in group work, and the only thing i'll change is the way i talked to them.

I DONT WANNA DO THIS ANYMORE. IT IS SO DEPRESSING.

the day i lost my cool in school

2011-04-23T01:57:00.000+08:00

it was the last second day in school, on wednesday. deadline for alot of assignments, one of which, my group couldnt finish it. alright, i'll confess it here - i borrowed friend's work, and edit from there. back to the main point - we couldnt finish it. to edit from a 61-pages of report is much easier than to start from scratch although the accessibility is so easy nowadays.

i still remember the day when the lecturer issued the project-brief, both of my groupmates were not around. and so, i took the briefs for them and passed it to them few days later. the borrowed-report was emailed to them at least 1-week ago, and they were told by me that they gotta choose the part which they wanna edit, do it as soon as possible, and send back to me. however, they chose to wait till the last minute, using excuse like 'oh, i dont have(lost) the project brief.'. for my usual working habit, i'll rather have late submission(marks will be deducted) than to hand in work which is done for the sake of doing.

so on wednesday, i got a bad start of the day by overslepting. due to the consecutive days of burning midnight oil. reached school 1-hour later than the start of the class. one of my groupmates was sick, the other in school was panicking, expecting me to do the whole sh*tload of work using the 2-hours break in between, by saying 'do lah.. can one.. just do.. then how?'.

STILL HAVE THE CHEEK TO ASK ME HOW?
as i mentioned earlier on that the work was borrowed, so the whole project must be completely edited. but the amount of words edited by the girl who's sick, it's simply just.. BULLSH*T.

main point comes when another girl, keeps on yanking non-stop, telling her grandmother stories when i'm trying my best to keep my cool and calm the groupmate who was present that day. the first time when it happens, i walked away to prevent a 'volcano' eruption. then this groupmate went out of the room, crying(without me knowing). until the other one sick at home told me.

alright, i am a girl. but seriously, i hate to see those very feminine girls who looked so much like as though they need the whole world of protection, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY CRY. so i feel frustrated, however, kept quiet. at this time, my mind was overflowed with anger. i told myself that whoever says a sh*t about our project, I WILL ASK HIM/HER TO SHUT THE F*CK UP.
(okay, normally i always tell myself to say something straight-forward to someone, but in the end, i didnt.)

when it's time to start another lesson, the girl who tells her grandmother stories started yanking and yanking AGAIN.
'SHUT UP. SHUT UP. OKAY?'
she continues to yank..
'ENOUGH, ALRIGHT? SHUT UP.'
and at this time, a male classmate stepped into our conversation and stopped that girl from yanking non-stop, telling her that i have the rights to make my decision for the group.
HOW TRUE?

after all of my classmates left the classroom, i kept thinking to myself..

so this girl cried, everyone consoled her, i became the villain. why? her tears blinded not her, but everyone else? CAN ANYONE PLEASE SEE WITHIN ME? at the end of the day, i made a decision to apologise to her if i'm too harsh to her. WHY AM I DOING SOMETHING AGAINST MY WILL, JUST TO MAKE SURE WE STILL CAN SMILE TO EACH OTHER?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS LATER BATCH OF STUDENTS? why are they.. so not concerned about the quality of work? instead of the quality and their expectations, they're only concern is to hand-up projects. HANDING FOR THE SAKE OF HANDING, DOING FOR THE SAKE OF DOING. get it?
this is not what i assumed, because even one lecturer said that, and another girl from my batch said that too.

it feels so stressful just to think of it when it comes to 3rd-year. i seriously pray that i'll be in the same class with W, and so, at least we've got some common thinking.

6 more days to assessment. ):

happy b'day to me - soon

2011-04-19T00:53:00.000+08:00

i think i'm gonna have lotsa surprises..
stay tune.

to mom

2011-04-16T22:32:00.002+08:00

PLEASE KNOW HOW TO TALK TO ME IN A PROPER TONE, OR AT LEAST UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY BEFORE SCREAMING AT ME.

shagged

2011-04-14T00:43:00.002+08:00

the faster i wanna do, the slower i become.

so frustrating.

16 more days

2011-04-13T05:33:00.002+08:00

not too doomsday, but freedom instead.

i want my chalet to come so soon; my delayed birthday.

nightmare

2011-04-12T00:40:00.001+08:00

i have too much of it.

oops

2011-04-11T01:11:00.002+08:00

i got caught.

he asked, 'what else are you hiding from me(us)?'

i shook my head, but deep inside me, i was thinking, 'i got tons of secrets on my hand, but are you ready to know each and everyone of them?'
i didnt say it out, and i cant. knowing that if i say all out, it means the end of this family. part of it, i lacked of courage to do so, afraid of the things that might happened after saying. fear. i'm not strong and courageous enough to do/say things in the way i wanted, since young.

I F*CKING HATE MYSELF FOR BEING SO WEAK.
if only i can throw all the blood-ties aside and be the real me.

$$$

2011-04-10T16:49:00.000+08:00

just gotta to know from an ex-classmate that we'll need to have at least 1.8k set aside for the damn fashion show, and at least 1.5k set aside for the projects.

how to have so much money in such short time?

I AM SCARED

2011-04-10T00:48:00.000+08:00

just now when i got no reply from baby, i called him. he rejected my call, and i got so worried. the first thing came to my mind is that he lost his handphone on the bus or somewhere else, because he rarely reject my call. as i thought of how frustrated he'll be, i cried. then another imagination set in - he left me, quietly. i cried even harder.

...

R didnt reply to my messages since.. friday? the deadline to show lecturers our toile is actually on the 5th, but because he's in NS for reservist, i only can wait till he's out, try on the toile, and use the last week to finish the actual garment when others actually used at least 2-3 weeks. i'm not sure of his situation inside, but not replying my messages at this timing is unbearable. therefore, i texted him again just now, telling him that if he dont wanna do it, just tell me straight. i mean is like, here i'm waiting, there you're not intending to model the garments for me, yet not telling me. and to tell you the truth, if you really are not going to model for me, and only text me to apologise, i'll tell you, it's alright, but bear it in mind that i'll curse you as much as could, and that's it for our friendship. yes, this project is so much more important than our friendship. because to me, we're no longer that close, in fact, very far away. as i'm typing this, i'm crying.
is it my doings that caused this today? or is it that we all grow up to be in different aspects, causing us to change within?

...

like my title of this post, i am scared. of what? of having people to leave me. of having close ones to leave. what's wrong? i do thought of it. i feel that it's my principles which i'm abiding to and my character, causing separation. am i really so bad? am i really so unbearable? am i really not someone you would choose to keep beside?
then why is baby with me? is it because i'm just around when he need someone for support? is it because his right one is not here yet, and i'm just crossing his path?
i'm starting to hate myself, tonight. i hate myself for not being able to be angelic; hate myself for the character i'm born with; hate myself for my lacked of self-discipline which caused underachievement; hate possibly everything.

and the only way to keep me sane is to be here.
can you feel my insecurity?

^^

2011-04-08T00:21:00.002+08:00

i will call baby the next time when i have nightmare(s) again.

feel so loved. <3

bad bad dream

2011-04-05T20:42:00.001+08:00

did i say before that the moment before i fall asleep is always full of bad dreams?

last night, i burnt midnight-oil again. only till this morning, at around 0630 then i decided to put a stop to my work. so after the usual routine of brushing thing and a quick bath, i climbed up my bed for a rest. once again, i'm fighting the bad dreams again, forcing myself to escape from the scenario and open my eyes. the last straw was scary, so real, so terrifying. i felt.. something climbing up the bed, so real that i can actually hear the squeaking sound of the bed. 'it' was so close behind me. then, i feel 'it' embracing me, with a warm sensation around me. the most terrible part is when i'm like half-awake, and feeling that 'it' was trying to invade me, taking control of my brain. i'm scare, really. so afraid that i'll be in the control of something beyond existence. as i'm used to power over bad dreams, bad scenario, i forced myself to break free from the unseen, but strong invading force.

is it really what people refer as 'possession'?

or is it just because i'm too tired, and so, started hallucinating?

seriously, i hoped for the latter.

parents

2011-04-03T17:04:00.000+08:00

parents always provide the best for their children, be it an object or a subject. somehow, at different stages of our life, we have different goal(s) and ambition(s), but parents dont really understand.

for my mom, she expects me to have a stable life in future, so stable that there's no risk, and nothing to do with my dream. and i told her that how boring life can be if that really happened. she replied, 'what kinda big storms you expect?'

we just have different point of view..

):

2011-03-31T00:33:00.002+08:00

i hate the last month before assessment.

)':

2011-03-23T01:32:00.000+08:00

it's supposed to be my graduation day just 32 days later, but now, it's only the end of 2nd-year.

)':