Sometimes I wonder, was it because of the external factor(s) that caused the negative feelings to be aroused in me, or was it because of the internal factor(s) that stirred up everything except positivity. Take today's meet-up as an example. I met up with KaiLoon and Joe as usual. Can't really remember what happened exactly, but only remembers Joe telling me how much he don't care and don't bother. And so I thought,"Since you don't care and don't bother, well, my existence isn't that important."
At that moment, I walked away impulsively with a real intention of going home straight. But yet another second later, I felt totally idiotic. I mean,
"Hey Peg, can't you take a joke?"
Perhaps I really can't, but that's not true. Negative feelings overwhelmed. I felt like a rubbish, so unwanted, even it/my existence is a nuisance.
See, it's MY problem. It's not that I really can't take jokes, BUT, I just simply hate the feeling of being "pushed" away - seriously. I don't feel love, warmth and acceptance from my own family, and always hoped to find it from people around who are "good" to me. In the end, it's the opposite of what I expected. You know, when you put high hopes on certain things, there will be higher possibility of you getting disappointed. How many times I was being "pushed" away? One.. two.. three.. four.. and today, it's the fifth time in my life I felt being "pushed" off.. Maybe it exceeded the fifth, but I just refused to recall them because it will only make my life even more miserable. Forget it, wait till the day I truly master the art of "DCDB". For time being, I will just..
It's the first time I felt so truthful towards myself.
