just now when i got no reply from baby, i called him. he rejected my call, and i got so worried. the first thing came to my mind is that he lost his handphone on the bus or somewhere else, because he rarely reject my call. as i thought of how frustrated he'll be, i cried. then another imagination set in - he left me, quietly. i cried even harder.
...
R didnt reply to my messages since.. friday? the deadline to show lecturers our toile is actually on the 5th, but because he's in NS for reservist, i only can wait till he's out, try on the toile, and use the last week to finish the actual garment when others actually used at least 2-3 weeks. i'm not sure of his situation inside, but not replying my messages at this timing is unbearable. therefore, i texted him again just now, telling him that if he dont wanna do it, just tell me straight. i mean is like, here i'm waiting, there you're not intending to model the garments for me, yet not telling me. and to tell you the truth, if you really are not going to model for me, and only text me to apologise, i'll tell you, it's alright, but bear it in mind that i'll curse you as much as could, and that's it for our friendship. yes, this project is so much more important than our friendship. because to me, we're no longer that close, in fact, very far away. as i'm typing this, i'm crying.
is it my doings that caused this today? or is it that we all grow up to be in different aspects, causing us to change within?
...
like my title of this post, i am scared. of what? of having people to leave me. of having close ones to leave. what's wrong? i do thought of it. i feel that it's my principles which i'm abiding to and my character, causing separation. am i really so bad? am i really so unbearable? am i really not someone you would choose to keep beside?
then why is baby with me? is it because i'm just around when he need someone for support? is it because his right one is not here yet, and i'm just crossing his path?
i'm starting to hate myself, tonight. i hate myself for not being able to be angelic; hate myself for the character i'm born with; hate myself for my lacked of self-discipline which caused underachievement; hate possibly everything.
and the only way to keep me sane is to be here.
can you feel my insecurity?
