childhood

though i have tons of work to finish up, but i just wanna say something, type something, and leave something here.

was talking to mom the other day about brother and my childhood..
some of the really close ones will know that i grew up in a family which is not very rich, with dad working in a company as a technician, and mom as a housewife as well as a freelance sewer. dad will always leave the house early in the morning before sunrise but making sure that he will wake us up and make us finish up the hot milk/milo with milk that he made. mom as the housewife will then make sure we have breakfast in the morning before sending one of us to school. i cant really remember how she used to send brother to school when i was younger, as in, did dad send him to school before work? or mom send him to school while i am still in bed because she cant probably leave me alone at home when i was like 4 years old (brother was 3 years older than me). brother and i are not in the same shift during primary school as either one of us will study in the morning and the other in the afternoon. so well, mom will make us healthy meals and make sure we dont choose what we like to eat. therefore, most of the time the meal will consist soup, vegetable and steamed-fish. in the afternoon, i will have lunch at home and mom will pack lunch for brother and make sure she reminds me to bring it to brother (if he needs to attend extra lesson)before bidding me goodbye at the school-gate. sometimes when i have extra lesson after school and brother is unable to bring me home-packed lunch(because at the later years, all the students attend morning shift lessons), dad will bring it to me instead(when he worked night shift, if not my mom will do the job personally). after the final dismissal from school, either mom or dad will picked us up, though the later years, brother took over the job to make sure i reach home safely. because mom used to be a chinese educated student with rather low education(till secondary 2), she used to monitor our chinese homework, and make sure she gave us additional work of learning new words and meanings. on the hand, dad was a english educated student(till sec 4). however, most of time we dont really ask him much about our english work except sometimes for mathematics. i remembered myself as a very hardworking little girl, who started doing homework once home instead of having meal or bathing. so, if dad is in the morning shift, he'll be home late at around 10 plus. dad is a very homely person who dont have much entertainment with his colleagues and friends. he dont smoke, dont drink, dont gamble(except new year), and dont have special contact with women except mom. once home, mom will prepare his meal while he took a bath. then after dinner, dad will help out with mom in whatever ways in order to rush out mom's sewing job so that the family will have extra income. we are not rich in a sense that every end of the month, there wont be much money left. however, everytime after the exam period, mom and dad will reward us by bringing us out to places like haw par villa, zoo, beach.. etc. to have fun. though in my memory, i cant recall those moments, but i always remember that my brother and i never tried roller coaster in our younger days because the adults feel that it is dangerous, and i always ask for a beach outing with grandparents and uncles as well as parents, as a birthday wish. as kids, we always do atrocious things to make adults go crazy. i am always the more rebellious one up till now as compared to brother. i used to steal mom's money to give treats to my friends and buy unncessary things like stickers, cute erasers.. etc. remembered once i stole lotsa coins before going to school, but very unluckily, while pulling out my purse from the school skirt, all the coins dropped on the floor. my blood froze immediately because i knew what was coming then. mom's role is always the discipline master, and i got the most punishments. worst of all, i was once caned with 4 bamboo canes and 3 tailor-rulers all bound together, on my naked butt. to think of it, the situation at that time was really scary because mom will close the windows and door so that our neighbours or people living in the opposite block wont hear my screams. dad will be the one rubbing oilment after the ordeal(though mom also did that before, however, tearing). dad never really beat up brother and i except once i got a complain from school and dad got so angry after talking to the teacher, so he used the umbrella on his hand to whack my thigh. one of the reason that dad dont beat us up is because once my brother did something really naughty(dont remember what he did though) and father whacked him with a wooden tailor-ruler. the ruler broke into half and brother's arm bled. mom got really angry because dad is really too much, however, she understood the fact that he's a man with greater strength afterall, and that's the reason why dad dont interfere while mom disciplines.
remembered something stupid and funny that brother and i did. when i was still in baby-chair, i used to follow what brother does and he knew it. once, he mixed the chilli in his porridge and i imitate him. what follow next was i wailed and screamed so hard that mom and dad ran out of the room panicking, but the 3 of them laughed real hard at my stupidity. the other one was, i am a very curious person, and so, in order to know how hot can a iron be, i pressed my ten fingers on the iron. haha. the last incident was, mom left the room to wash something in the kitchen. brother and i were watching a horror show in the room, with me hiding behind a carton box. suddenly, the ghost in the show peel its face and it's all bloody, i got so scared that i ran really fast(so fast that my brother said that i should take part in a 100m race) to the kitchen and looked for my mom.

as time passes, all the kids grew up and adults older. some no longer cherish the kinship and happiness that we used to have. sad, isnt it?

i really appreciate..

.. people like alison who always answer my annoying string of questions; may who justified and gave me lotsa encouragements and also showed me a new direction when i'm not firm with what i'm doing now; wendi who put a mirror right in my face and pierce me deep and hard with her words; and baby who always give me infinite support, directions, and encouragements.

all these people, thank you very much.

as for those smart alecs, i sincerely pray that one day when you look right into a mirror, you'll see alphabets which spelled S-T-U-P-I-D-I-T-Y.

it's a sad sad day..

today is a very sad day.. we had presentation in school and i gave crap unintentionally to the lecturer in charge.. why? because for the advertising project that we're doing, i'm in-charge of a part whereby i need to select a series of media for advertising then calculate the pricing of the advertising throughout the year with a given budget. somehow, what i did was almost being edited by my group mates without informing me in the first place, and then when i know about it, it was already the last minute, with just an answer 'i think you are wrong' when questioned. every dollar was being calculated with supporting workings, what's there to be wrong about? as a group, we ought to have the basic trust. my group mates entrust the work to me, however, doubt my work. isn't it funny to have reports and PowerPoint presentation with different content at the end of the day? i was very very angry in the beginning which explained by previous posts, however, it is more than anger only.

4 months per module, very last week to see the real faces of people - my group mates.

mom asked 'why is it that you always have problems with your group mates?'

was thinking whether is it my problem because this happened to me twice since year 1, but i know is not because at the end of the day, i can still can work with wifey and girls though we have some uncontrollable conflicts which settled at the end of the day.

people can doubt, but have to accept if it's a fact. i don't wanna doubt without any discussion, but what i voiced out can't be accepted. it's really unusual for me to be a real faker trying to smile while i'm actually boiling inside, but in the end.. wendi told me that i have to be a b*tch at times, but how am is it going to be like if i'm not really a one? it's a dread going to school from tomorrow onwards to see all of them, and those who only listened to one-sided stories. it's disgusting to see them joking as normal to me when deep down they have doubts on me. it might all be an assumption.. which i hope so too. but, right now, i'm really feeling very very.. (indescribable).

well, this morning i saw my ex-classmates while waiting for my group mates. i briefly told them what's happening when asked about my well-being. very kind of them, they told me to be extremely careful when looking for group mates from next semester onwards. how am i going to have my own personal group mates if all of them are being 'polluted' in the brain? i believe that people will tend to trust the present-group mates more than me because after all, i only joined them this semester. like i said, i hope it's all assumptions of mine.. and hopefully someone will trust me with what they feel about me rather than judging me with what they hear.

:'( thank God it's assessment next week. just 6 more days to go. it's alright if i can't finish what i'm supposed to and get bombarded by the assessment-panels, i just want everything to be over, just wannna get done with this f*ckin' semester.

ilu

I love my baby.

F*CK OFF PLEASE

go ahead and edit everything that i did, as you can say that we did not meet up for discussion. you guys know yourself that a discussion day was set with us not able to discuss anything because none brought anything about our project.

@BIEBERFAN: HOW NOT DUMB CAN YOU BE BY LEAVING ME A DUMB WORD?
- ANONYMOUS COWARD.

you dont wanna see me pissed

YOU F*CKIN' B*TCHES. DON'T F*CKIN' TELL ME TO GO ALL THE WAY TO HEAR YOU BLAB ALL THE HYPOCRITIC WORDS. DON'T F*CKIN' TELL ME THAT I'M UNCONTACTABLE BECAUSE THE LAST TIME YOU DID, I REPLIED LATE. WHERE THE F*CK ARE YOU B*TCHES WHEN YOU ARE UNCONTACTABLE?! DON'T F*CKIN' PUT THE BLAME ON ME WHEN YOU CAN'T F*CKIN' FINISH THE WORK BECAUSE I AM JUST GRANTING YOUR WISH OF BEING A 'HERO'. IF YOU WANNA VOLUNTEER TO BE THE 'HERO', GO AHEAD. NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU. SO DON'T F*CKIN' PLAY PUNK WITH ME BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, I CAN MAKE YOU SUFFER AND PAY THE PRICE JUST LIKE HOW I DID IT TO THE OTHER B*TCHES.

ok done.

:'(

i f*cking give up on all the reports and stuffs at this moment.

i need you..

to be with me right now - physically.


i just need a simple hug from you.
:'(

it's always him

F*CK YOU

i hate..

.. to feel emotional. :'(

Untitled

i have not been updating here that regularly ever since facebook account was set up..

anyway, was out with baby yesterday and we watched Piranha. the movie is supposed to be a R21 thriller, but it turns out to be more of a comedy. jumped out of my seats a few times through the movie, and laughed alot. but this movie is definitely not for the faint-hearted because it's really kinda bloody and gross.. like worse than Saw? of course i find it not more disgusting than a piece of beef served raw, instead, baby's face goes eeewww when the bodies tore apart just like a piece of ragged cloth. hahahahhaha..

stay tune people, more updates and pictures coming in after my assessment(exam).

i just wanna..

.. get done with all the sh*t once and for all.

i wanna spend alot of time with baby, friends, and myself. i wanna go to alot of places to have fun. i wanna get myself outta school as soon as possible. IT'S A TORTUREEEEEEEE.

alright, time for bed.
as quoted from my classmate: 'f*ck the pinoy, kill the ah gua, burn down the school!


*italics are nick-name for lecturers.

3rd nov..

.. is the day that all my work will be judged. i can forsee what's gonna happened during assessment for the amount of effort i put in this semester is.. a disappointment. it's all too late to repent and i shall accept what's gonna come. just hope everything will be over soon..

sick..

.. at this crucial period of time is really frustrating. sigh. throat feels really uncomfortable and body feels warm. time to rest, but where's baby?

baby is back..

.. finally! met up with him just now and feel really.. the feelings are undescribable. afterall, i just talked too much of the unnecessary; thought too much of the unnecessary; and listened too much of the unnecessary.

i know i will..

.. burst into tears when i see baby tomorrow. i know he will be meeting up with me because he is missing me as much as i miss him.

<3

baby..

.. where are you? i'm not being paranoid, just.. missing you so much.

thanks joe and chee keong for last night(or rather this morning)'s talk..

the devil..

.. is proving its existence in me, but why now?

sigh..

.. blood that runs in my family is never thicker than water.

what a tragedy, isnt it?

i hope she can get over it soon, and be strong. be patient.

people always say..

.. "dont look back, it's the present that you're dealing with, and it's useless to cry over spilled milk.'

i hope to discard and erase all the bad memories i've got, but sadly, it's always easier to say than to do it. my past, not a really bad one is enough to haunt me and tried to put me down in multiple attempts. it's not about how bad the situation was, but how badly affected i am. to be betrayed again and again by your love ones, i chose to pick up the shattered pieces alone, or rather, i have to do it alone at that point of time.

after years, i'm well sheltered and protected. however, the fear is always there.
"when will be the next time history repeats?"

...

Cassendra's words stuck in my brain. that question i asked myself before too, and she's right. my surrounding is full of temptations and options, but who will know what will my future be if i chose another route instead of the one i'm sticking onto?

4 more days..

.. before i got to see baby again.

in the meantime.. i'll die together with my school work. @#$%^&*

learn to love

today i got a group discussion with my project mates. think if i'm not wrong it's my first time getting pissed for this semester. i dont know whether is them being too calculative when it comes to the amount of work the other is doing, and too childish when handling problems arise while in the midst of project progressive, or is it me being too "unconcerned'.

at the end of the day, two of them have "silent-disagreement" with the work that the third party did and were complaining to me. what do they expect me to say when at the beginning i already told them what i foresee? i mean since the two of them wanted to bring her into the group despite me telling them the risks of letting her in, then dont expect me to make any unnecessary moves, instead i told the two of them straight-forwardly about whatever i mentioned above.

and it's really annoying when someone in your group under-estimate the group mates' abilities and over-estimate her/himself. @#$%^&* simply feel like punching her in the face at times, but it's ok, save me from more work though for a perfectionist like me will find it hard to appreciate hard work rather than.. sigh.

and c'mon. dont tell me how straight-forward you can be. i dont f*ckin' care how good you can slap me with english but at the end of the day, if i'm more reasonable than you, you can just sit at the corner and suck thumb.

for all the characters i see in my group mates, i can only sigh in silence and learn to love them more. i just hope that my group mates will learn to make use of one's strengths rather than focusing on their weaknesses. c'mon, dont you judge when you arent a judge, b*tch.

6 more days..

.. till i see baby again. =(

bon voyage..

.. to baby.. enjoy your trip and be back real soon ok?
i miss you..





@yvoluo: please.. it's not her!
how disappointing..

happy birthday..

.. to Jandy FooFooFoo..

seems like sooooo long since i last update anything here, but actually, it's like only a short period of time. work is heavy as usual, with only 1-month left to finish up the undone. feeling rather stressful, and very disappointed with my remark for this semester. i'm getting really popular among lecturers.. it seems that almost all of them are looking for me regarding attendance or unsubmitted work. whatever it is, it's gonna be over soon..

mid nov, here i come!

i have a dream..

..with the concept of 2-in-1, combining both F&B and Fashion Boutique together.

Consumers targeting 25-50 years-old;
specially tailored innovative designs catering to individual;
price range: middle high;
.
.
.
special privileges available for clients from the Fashion Boutique;
specialised in Japanese Cuisine
(ala carte, kaiseiki, omakasei);
.
.
.

do you have a dream?
any suggestions to my idea?
anybody interested?
to be realistic, i need $$$.

suddenly..

.. i feel emotionally unstable again.

what's wrong with me nowadays?

ex's revenge

just gotta know a very shocking news indeed. was being treated like a fool when i gave my everything, and i never thought that such things happened in-between.
damn it.