about me cont'

"you're a girl, so you dislike yourself?"

yea, what's wrong with disliking myself? haha i dont deny. hmm i dont dislike myself because i'm fat, i've got skin problems and all other physical imperfections. it's too complicated to understand myself.
example: sometimes i just wanna talk things out in a relax-manner, but at times, the situation ended up in a way i would totally tried to avoid - awkward/tensed. then i'll ask myself why did i allowed things to end up this way, and stuffs like that. hmm stranger, i dont really know how to put this in words. or can i say that, i'm unintentionally causing situation to happen which is not my intention?

on the other hand, i'm disliking girls but definitely not all. i cant stand girls who are bimbotic, girly..etc. although it's clearly understood that not all are perfect, but, these girls are those i'll tried to avoid.

i'm not perfect, so are others. of course i wont criticise their imperfection(s) for my own pleasure, but of course i'll avoid them to minimise my unhappiness, and just in case they got pissed because of me.

this is me, stranger.

about me

alright, i know it's really random and nobody ask me about this.. but i'm just feeling really bored and lonely, so apart from watching movies, playing computer games, eating and sleeping, just feel like pen-ing down some random facts about me.. just in case a violent death happened to me.. haha!

1. i love vegetables except those sticky and slimy kind - eg. lady's finger.

2. i NEVER play any of the rides in a theme-park before;

3. my favourite poultry to be consumed is mutton;

4. i still remember all my best friends - ang yan ling, tan pey teng, tan ming xiang, joanna ang, felicia tan, denise toh.

5. i hate dislike girls;

6. most of my friends are guys - because most girls cant accept and stand the way i do things and talk.

7. alot of acquaintances dislike/hate me, and i know it;

8. i'm a perfectionist, yet too lazy to keep up with it;

9. my heart always asks me to trust people, but my mind told me not to;

10. i'm very hot-tempered, yet able to control it most of the time;

11. i'm very soft-hearted, but i've got a stronger mind;

12. i understand that human is very judgemental, and that's the reason why my intentions are always misunderstood;

13. i love joanna ang among all the best friends the most because she never fails me;

14. i love to gamble, but i'm able to control myself;

15. i most HATE people to threaten and doubt me;

16. i kinda dislike asians because most of them tend to be unable to accept criticism and opinions;

17. i dislike my skin problem - eczema;

18. i got funny toes(ask and thou shall see);

19. i'm born to be rebellious;

20. at this age, i'm still very doubtful about my future.

i shall continue with this some other time.. and the above are some facts about me which i believe that almost all my acquaintances dont know, not even my friends. till then..

very much appreciated

thanks for treating me so much like a classmate. to say that i'm not affected, it's a lie. but still, i think it's better this way - no strings attached.

hey classmate

it started off with me being super responsible and hardworking whereas the rest of you guys are just chilling around. so at the end of the day, dont act like as though i'm the one who pulls down the overall marks when each of us got a D for individual part except for him, who got an E. you're the one who's writing report, which includes compiling report. if you wanna put the blame of getting bad grades on me, please look at the work you guys did again. i'm very slow in my work, yes i dont deny. my written English is not as bad as yours although i have limited vocabulary and bad grammar. so if the standard of compiling report is like that, then seriously, think about it. you're not the only one who's disappointed, i dont really feel it because everytime i look through our work, it's like doing for the sake of doing.
and although you think my English is lousy and i shouldnt be getting better grades than you, but sometimes when i see the quality of work and the way you handle things, i feel that i can do better. seriously, i dislike the way you doubt my ability. so what if i voiced out, it's not as though i didnt, it's you who couldnt accept it. everyone is stressed, and i understand that different people do react differently under stress. but why should i be ignored by you or receiving your f*ck-face when i'm also having stress?

if any time you happened to read this post, do not be too affected by it and take it personally. because afterall we'll be going separate ways, and might not even be crossing path in future. you can think it's just my assumption, but that's what i thought deep down.

isnt it stupid if we fight over this?

isnt working things out together 'happily' and leave the school our ultimate goal?

isnt us just classmate?

wait

and that's all i can do - period.

every thought of this, tears would fill up in my eyes. every wait is longer than previous, and yet our love is the only thing i dont wanna let go.. and so, all i can do is to wait.

love always,
all ways.

the three days

it's so funny when you reached for the coffee instead of me when we first met after 3-months. though i was a little disappointed, but still managed to joke about this and laughed at it. i was kinda shy after so long, but got used to your face, your voice, your smell, and your everything fast. we swam together for the first time after being together for nearly 3-years, and i finally laughed real hard ever since you're gone.. and now, i'm alone again.
dear baby, i dont blame you for being away.  just want you to know, as well as to remind me how much you meant to me; how can i laugh when i'm with you; how secured i am when you're with me; how much happiness.. and all the stuffs.

love always,
all ways.

...


26th nov 11' is Y's birthday, and is the day when LATEPIG proposed to her. if i were there, i might be so touched and moved to tears. seriously happy for you guys.

T.T

miss you very much, baby. everytime when the idea of not being able to do everything with you around came to my mind, my heart constricts. love you so much yet have to see you go. dont know what to say.. goodnight my love.

good or bad omen?

last night, i dozed off while watching a show with baby.. i woke up crying in the end, because i dreamt of myself being dead.

cant really recall what the scenario is about, except that the place is kinda like a deserted building where are violent bad guys and good guys including me. main point of the dream is when i was caught and shot 2 times at my torso, in the dream, i knew i was going to die and so, i chant a little before my last breath is out. i stood up and found myself looking back at my lifeless body.. and started going around leaving my last words particularly to each person in the building, starting from my dad, mom, uncle and some unknown then lastly is baby. as i was about to talk to baby, i woke up from some sound.

started off with me saying that i dreamt of myself being dead and feel so sad right now. AND BABY COULDNT REALLY CATCH WHAT WAS I MUMBLING, AND SO, HE IGNORED ME! haha then i started crying like a child, and i'm very thankful for baby's presence which calms me down right away.

anyway, baby is on the way back home again.. the next time i see him, will be around 8-months later. )""":

it sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing

i dont know if anyone read any post regarding to my title of today.. but anyway, to sum it up, i discovered since years ago that if someone upset/pissed me off really very badly, something unfortunate would happened. hmm you can think that all this co-incidence.. but as i'm feeling really depressed about my family members, THEY ARE ALL SICK. to me, it's never a co-incidence because i've seen things happening to those. well, i did mentioned this to mom before.. guess what? she says that she also got the same ability. o.0

bottom-line: it's not up to me to choose whether you'll suffer or not, but it's up to you choose whether you wanna go against me or not. of course i dont wish anything to happen to anyone, but it's best if you dont try to incur my wrath. TYVM.

6 more days

to assessment. and after that, i'll be free for around a month. how great.

...

as much as i hate today's date because it reminds me of someone, i still wanna say.. GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY, YOU LOSER.

if i am a hulk

great, keep it coming. simply taking things for granted right?

I WILL MAKE YOU 2 REGRET. blame it on yourself.

THEN WHY STILL BOTHER TO ASK?

'do you mind if i send the report with your previous work inside today?'

'i wont mind if you also wont mind that the information inside the report is not the same as the information inside the powerpoint.'

'no choice already.'


WHY SO KIASI?

12 more days

happy 2 years 10 months anniversary <3.


...


thanks jiahui <3.

)':

what do you want? i've been staying in my room for the whole f*cking day, and after the drama in the afternoon, you expressed your unhappiness by throwing the unwashed dishes around. what do you want from me seriously? do you dislike me so much? this is a question i always ask myself since i was like.. 10? do you really dislike me to the extend of not wanting to see me at all? if only that's what you want..

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW??!

CANT EVEN F*CKIN HAVE A PROPER MEAL.

F*CK YOU SERIOUSLY.
F*CK YOU MOM.

sorry baby, sorry everyone. i dont know how to put all this to words.. but to simplify everything, i think i got some kinda mental breakdown, some kinda depression. i dont feel as happy anymore(i cant smile), i feel like crying all the time(and i can cry all the time), i dont feel like eating(if it's not for my gastric), i dont feel like going out at all(especially with mom), i dont feel like talking to anyone(seriously), suicidal thoughts are being more frequent. i wanna see a doctor, i dont wanna tell my mom and brother about this at all. i dont wanna stay in this f*ckin house anymore.. i..i...
sorry baby.. it's not that i dont wanna tell you.. is that you cant hear me if i started crying right? dont have to worry.. i wont do anything stupid because it's only 2 more weeks away to see you again.. by then, i'll tell you everything alright?
for the time being, i'll just try to save myself from hell.

i need you so badly, but i know i still have to wait..

iamgoingcrazysoon.dontknowhowlongmoreicanendure.what'shappening?

God in dream

last night, i got a bad dream..

it was supposed to be a prank-show, but i got scared to tears when O tried to shove a cucumber through my ass-crack because i can really feel the tingling sensation..
but anyway, i woke up suddenly, feeling.. suffocated? hmm. not really, it's more like a feeling which I KNOW that there's a lacked of oxygen in my brain. at the same time, i was so scared, so scared to die(suicidal thoughts have been lingering in my brain recently). i feel so scared to die in my dream, not yet telling everyone that who my boyfriend is, and not telling him that how much i love him. therefore, i wanted to live..
i tried breathing in and out steadily, forcing myself to be awake because if i dont, i'll be falling into that dream again, and might not wake up again(that's what i thought)..
i think i spent at least 15-minutes to breathe properly, and finally feeling kinda awake. i recorded all the thoughts right away because i'm afraid of really dying of regrets.

friends who know me should know that i'm not somehow who's very religious, yet i respect all Gods above, AND BELOW. somehow, whichever God i'm destined to meet in near future is trying to tell me something or trying to wake me up from the suicidal thoughts which bothers me lately. now i know that it's not my time to die yet, and i clearly know that i dont wanna die so soon too.
thanks for the wake-up call, my God. although i dont know who you are and who you'll be..but You know, and soon we'll meet.

you realised the change in me, dont you? yet you chose to ignore it, and put your ego prior to me. whether i'm around and alive doesnt matters to you, right? what's important to you is them. i hope you're right. just always remember what i told you years ago,

"never ever let me fly, because if i did, i'll never return."

i hope this sentence is forever in you - which i doubt so, because i'm so unimportant to you, to the extend of not remembering my words.

is it you who're torturing me mentally, or is it myself who take things too hard?