i lost myself at 5am, just a day before my birthday.
)':
I HATE SCHOOL, BUT I HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE, FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO PRACTICE SELF-DISCIPLINE AND TIME-MANAGEMENT.
now i dont regret, but only disappointed.
sorry to all those who helped(R, baby).
29 April 2011
28 April 2011
25 April 2011
24 April 2011
23 April 2011
)':
why am i putting in so much effort when my groupmates dont bother? i assumed that they know i'll be slogging my guts out since i wanted it to be like-so-perfect, while they are doing their personal projects. what about mine? i was crying when i told baby just now, and most probably i'll be heeding his advice - so my part only.
is it my problem that whoever group with me will have problems in the project? i guess i must be strong in my stand if i want good grades in group work, and the only thing i'll change is the way i talked to them.
I DONT WANNA DO THIS ANYMORE. IT IS SO DEPRESSING.
is it my problem that whoever group with me will have problems in the project? i guess i must be strong in my stand if i want good grades in group work, and the only thing i'll change is the way i talked to them.
I DONT WANNA DO THIS ANYMORE. IT IS SO DEPRESSING.
the day i lost my cool in school
it was the last second day in school, on wednesday. deadline for alot of assignments, one of which, my group couldnt finish it. alright, i'll confess it here - i borrowed friend's work, and edit from there. back to the main point - we couldnt finish it. to edit from a 61-pages of report is much easier than to start from scratch although the accessibility is so easy nowadays.
i still remember the day when the lecturer issued the project-brief, both of my groupmates were not around. and so, i took the briefs for them and passed it to them few days later. the borrowed-report was emailed to them at least 1-week ago, and they were told by me that they gotta choose the part which they wanna edit, do it as soon as possible, and send back to me. however, they chose to wait till the last minute, using excuse like 'oh, i dont have(lost) the project brief.'. for my usual working habit, i'll rather have late submission(marks will be deducted) than to hand in work which is done for the sake of doing.
so on wednesday, i got a bad start of the day by overslepting. due to the consecutive days of burning midnight oil. reached school 1-hour later than the start of the class. one of my groupmates was sick, the other in school was panicking, expecting me to do the whole sh*tload of work using the 2-hours break in between, by saying 'do lah.. can one.. just do.. then how?'.
STILL HAVE THE CHEEK TO ASK ME HOW?
as i mentioned earlier on that the work was borrowed, so the whole project must be completely edited. but the amount of words edited by the girl who's sick, it's simply just.. BULLSH*T.
main point comes when another girl, keeps on yanking non-stop, telling her grandmother stories when i'm trying my best to keep my cool and calm the groupmate who was present that day. the first time when it happens, i walked away to prevent a 'volcano' eruption. then this groupmate went out of the room, crying(without me knowing). until the other one sick at home told me.
alright, i am a girl. but seriously, i hate to see those very feminine girls who looked so much like as though they need the whole world of protection, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY CRY. so i feel frustrated, however, kept quiet. at this time, my mind was overflowed with anger. i told myself that whoever says a sh*t about our project, I WILL ASK HIM/HER TO SHUT THE F*CK UP.
(okay, normally i always tell myself to say something straight-forward to someone, but in the end, i didnt.)
when it's time to start another lesson, the girl who tells her grandmother stories started yanking and yanking AGAIN.
'SHUT UP. SHUT UP. OKAY?'
she continues to yank..
'ENOUGH, ALRIGHT? SHUT UP.'
and at this time, a male classmate stepped into our conversation and stopped that girl from yanking non-stop, telling her that i have the rights to make my decision for the group.
HOW TRUE?
after all of my classmates left the classroom, i kept thinking to myself..
so this girl cried, everyone consoled her, i became the villain. why? her tears blinded not her, but everyone else? CAN ANYONE PLEASE SEE WITHIN ME? at the end of the day, i made a decision to apologise to her if i'm too harsh to her. WHY AM I DOING SOMETHING AGAINST MY WILL, JUST TO MAKE SURE WE STILL CAN SMILE TO EACH OTHER?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS LATER BATCH OF STUDENTS? why are they.. so not concerned about the quality of work? instead of the quality and their expectations, they're only concern is to hand-up projects. HANDING FOR THE SAKE OF HANDING, DOING FOR THE SAKE OF DOING. get it?
this is not what i assumed, because even one lecturer said that, and another girl from my batch said that too.
it feels so stressful just to think of it when it comes to 3rd-year. i seriously pray that i'll be in the same class with W, and so, at least we've got some common thinking.
6 more days to assessment. ):
i still remember the day when the lecturer issued the project-brief, both of my groupmates were not around. and so, i took the briefs for them and passed it to them few days later. the borrowed-report was emailed to them at least 1-week ago, and they were told by me that they gotta choose the part which they wanna edit, do it as soon as possible, and send back to me. however, they chose to wait till the last minute, using excuse like 'oh, i dont have(lost) the project brief.'. for my usual working habit, i'll rather have late submission(marks will be deducted) than to hand in work which is done for the sake of doing.
so on wednesday, i got a bad start of the day by overslepting. due to the consecutive days of burning midnight oil. reached school 1-hour later than the start of the class. one of my groupmates was sick, the other in school was panicking, expecting me to do the whole sh*tload of work using the 2-hours break in between, by saying 'do lah.. can one.. just do.. then how?'.
STILL HAVE THE CHEEK TO ASK ME HOW?
as i mentioned earlier on that the work was borrowed, so the whole project must be completely edited. but the amount of words edited by the girl who's sick, it's simply just.. BULLSH*T.
main point comes when another girl, keeps on yanking non-stop, telling her grandmother stories when i'm trying my best to keep my cool and calm the groupmate who was present that day. the first time when it happens, i walked away to prevent a 'volcano' eruption. then this groupmate went out of the room, crying(without me knowing). until the other one sick at home told me.
alright, i am a girl. but seriously, i hate to see those very feminine girls who looked so much like as though they need the whole world of protection, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY CRY. so i feel frustrated, however, kept quiet. at this time, my mind was overflowed with anger. i told myself that whoever says a sh*t about our project, I WILL ASK HIM/HER TO SHUT THE F*CK UP.
(okay, normally i always tell myself to say something straight-forward to someone, but in the end, i didnt.)
when it's time to start another lesson, the girl who tells her grandmother stories started yanking and yanking AGAIN.
'SHUT UP. SHUT UP. OKAY?'
she continues to yank..
'ENOUGH, ALRIGHT? SHUT UP.'
and at this time, a male classmate stepped into our conversation and stopped that girl from yanking non-stop, telling her that i have the rights to make my decision for the group.
HOW TRUE?
after all of my classmates left the classroom, i kept thinking to myself..
so this girl cried, everyone consoled her, i became the villain. why? her tears blinded not her, but everyone else? CAN ANYONE PLEASE SEE WITHIN ME? at the end of the day, i made a decision to apologise to her if i'm too harsh to her. WHY AM I DOING SOMETHING AGAINST MY WILL, JUST TO MAKE SURE WE STILL CAN SMILE TO EACH OTHER?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS LATER BATCH OF STUDENTS? why are they.. so not concerned about the quality of work? instead of the quality and their expectations, they're only concern is to hand-up projects. HANDING FOR THE SAKE OF HANDING, DOING FOR THE SAKE OF DOING. get it?
this is not what i assumed, because even one lecturer said that, and another girl from my batch said that too.
it feels so stressful just to think of it when it comes to 3rd-year. i seriously pray that i'll be in the same class with W, and so, at least we've got some common thinking.
6 more days to assessment. ):
19 April 2011
16 April 2011
to mom
PLEASE KNOW HOW TO TALK TO ME IN A PROPER TONE, OR AT LEAST UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY BEFORE SCREAMING AT ME.
14 April 2011
13 April 2011
16 more days
not too doomsday, but freedom instead.
i want my chalet to come so soon; my delayed birthday.
i want my chalet to come so soon; my delayed birthday.
12 April 2011
11 April 2011
oops
i got caught.
he asked, 'what else are you hiding from me(us)?'
i shook my head, but deep inside me, i was thinking, 'i got tons of secrets on my hand, but are you ready to know each and everyone of them?'
i didnt say it out, and i cant. knowing that if i say all out, it means the end of this family. part of it, i lacked of courage to do so, afraid of the things that might happened after saying. fear. i'm not strong and courageous enough to do/say things in the way i wanted, since young.
I F*CKING HATE MYSELF FOR BEING SO WEAK.
if only i can throw all the blood-ties aside and be the real me.
he asked, 'what else are you hiding from me(us)?'
i shook my head, but deep inside me, i was thinking, 'i got tons of secrets on my hand, but are you ready to know each and everyone of them?'
i didnt say it out, and i cant. knowing that if i say all out, it means the end of this family. part of it, i lacked of courage to do so, afraid of the things that might happened after saying. fear. i'm not strong and courageous enough to do/say things in the way i wanted, since young.
I F*CKING HATE MYSELF FOR BEING SO WEAK.
if only i can throw all the blood-ties aside and be the real me.
10 April 2011
$$$
just gotta to know from an ex-classmate that we'll need to have at least 1.8k set aside for the damn fashion show, and at least 1.5k set aside for the projects.
how to have so much money in such short time?
how to have so much money in such short time?
I AM SCARED
just now when i got no reply from baby, i called him. he rejected my call, and i got so worried. the first thing came to my mind is that he lost his handphone on the bus or somewhere else, because he rarely reject my call. as i thought of how frustrated he'll be, i cried. then another imagination set in - he left me, quietly. i cried even harder.
...
R didnt reply to my messages since.. friday? the deadline to show lecturers our toile is actually on the 5th, but because he's in NS for reservist, i only can wait till he's out, try on the toile, and use the last week to finish the actual garment when others actually used at least 2-3 weeks. i'm not sure of his situation inside, but not replying my messages at this timing is unbearable. therefore, i texted him again just now, telling him that if he dont wanna do it, just tell me straight. i mean is like, here i'm waiting, there you're not intending to model the garments for me, yet not telling me. and to tell you the truth, if you really are not going to model for me, and only text me to apologise, i'll tell you, it's alright, but bear it in mind that i'll curse you as much as could, and that's it for our friendship. yes, this project is so much more important than our friendship. because to me, we're no longer that close, in fact, very far away. as i'm typing this, i'm crying.
is it my doings that caused this today? or is it that we all grow up to be in different aspects, causing us to change within?
...
like my title of this post, i am scared. of what? of having people to leave me. of having close ones to leave. what's wrong? i do thought of it. i feel that it's my principles which i'm abiding to and my character, causing separation. am i really so bad? am i really so unbearable? am i really not someone you would choose to keep beside?
then why is baby with me? is it because i'm just around when he need someone for support? is it because his right one is not here yet, and i'm just crossing his path?
i'm starting to hate myself, tonight. i hate myself for not being able to be angelic; hate myself for the character i'm born with; hate myself for my lacked of self-discipline which caused underachievement; hate possibly everything.
and the only way to keep me sane is to be here.
can you feel my insecurity?
...
R didnt reply to my messages since.. friday? the deadline to show lecturers our toile is actually on the 5th, but because he's in NS for reservist, i only can wait till he's out, try on the toile, and use the last week to finish the actual garment when others actually used at least 2-3 weeks. i'm not sure of his situation inside, but not replying my messages at this timing is unbearable. therefore, i texted him again just now, telling him that if he dont wanna do it, just tell me straight. i mean is like, here i'm waiting, there you're not intending to model the garments for me, yet not telling me. and to tell you the truth, if you really are not going to model for me, and only text me to apologise, i'll tell you, it's alright, but bear it in mind that i'll curse you as much as could, and that's it for our friendship. yes, this project is so much more important than our friendship. because to me, we're no longer that close, in fact, very far away. as i'm typing this, i'm crying.
is it my doings that caused this today? or is it that we all grow up to be in different aspects, causing us to change within?
...
like my title of this post, i am scared. of what? of having people to leave me. of having close ones to leave. what's wrong? i do thought of it. i feel that it's my principles which i'm abiding to and my character, causing separation. am i really so bad? am i really so unbearable? am i really not someone you would choose to keep beside?
then why is baby with me? is it because i'm just around when he need someone for support? is it because his right one is not here yet, and i'm just crossing his path?
i'm starting to hate myself, tonight. i hate myself for not being able to be angelic; hate myself for the character i'm born with; hate myself for my lacked of self-discipline which caused underachievement; hate possibly everything.
and the only way to keep me sane is to be here.
can you feel my insecurity?
08 April 2011
05 April 2011
bad bad dream
did i say before that the moment before i fall asleep is always full of bad dreams?
last night, i burnt midnight-oil again. only till this morning, at around 0630 then i decided to put a stop to my work. so after the usual routine of brushing thing and a quick bath, i climbed up my bed for a rest. once again, i'm fighting the bad dreams again, forcing myself to escape from the scenario and open my eyes. the last straw was scary, so real, so terrifying. i felt.. something climbing up the bed, so real that i can actually hear the squeaking sound of the bed. 'it' was so close behind me. then, i feel 'it' embracing me, with a warm sensation around me. the most terrible part is when i'm like half-awake, and feeling that 'it' was trying to invade me, taking control of my brain. i'm scare, really. so afraid that i'll be in the control of something beyond existence. as i'm used to power over bad dreams, bad scenario, i forced myself to break free from the unseen, but strong invading force.
is it really what people refer as 'possession'?
or is it just because i'm too tired, and so, started hallucinating?
seriously, i hoped for the latter.
last night, i burnt midnight-oil again. only till this morning, at around 0630 then i decided to put a stop to my work. so after the usual routine of brushing thing and a quick bath, i climbed up my bed for a rest. once again, i'm fighting the bad dreams again, forcing myself to escape from the scenario and open my eyes. the last straw was scary, so real, so terrifying. i felt.. something climbing up the bed, so real that i can actually hear the squeaking sound of the bed. 'it' was so close behind me. then, i feel 'it' embracing me, with a warm sensation around me. the most terrible part is when i'm like half-awake, and feeling that 'it' was trying to invade me, taking control of my brain. i'm scare, really. so afraid that i'll be in the control of something beyond existence. as i'm used to power over bad dreams, bad scenario, i forced myself to break free from the unseen, but strong invading force.
is it really what people refer as 'possession'?
or is it just because i'm too tired, and so, started hallucinating?
seriously, i hoped for the latter.
03 April 2011
parents
parents always provide the best for their children, be it an object or a subject. somehow, at different stages of our life, we have different goal(s) and ambition(s), but parents dont really understand.
for my mom, she expects me to have a stable life in future, so stable that there's no risk, and nothing to do with my dream. and i told her that how boring life can be if that really happened. she replied, 'what kinda big storms you expect?'
we just have different point of view..
for my mom, she expects me to have a stable life in future, so stable that there's no risk, and nothing to do with my dream. and i told her that how boring life can be if that really happened. she replied, 'what kinda big storms you expect?'
we just have different point of view..
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